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This is devoted to the GLORY of all trumpet players around the world.
Dante's Levels of Band
Band Director
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a locomotive
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Gives policy to God
Drum Major
Leaps short buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a switch engine
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
Walks on water if sea is calm
Talks with God
Oboe
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine
Is almost as fast as a speeding bullet
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
Talks with God is special request is approved
Horn
Barely clears a Quonset hut
Loses tug-of-war with locomotive
Can fire a speeding bullet
Swims well
Is occasionally addressed by God
Bassoon
Makes marks on wall when trying to clear short buildings
Is run over by locomotive
Can sometimes handle gun without inflicting self-injury
Dog-paddles
Talks to animals
Flute
Runs into buildings
Recognizes locomotives 2 times out of 3
Is not issued ammunition
Can stay afloat with a life jacket
Argues with self
Clarinet
Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings
Says Look at the choo-choo
Wets self with water pistol
Plays in mud puddles
Loses argument with self
Trumpet
Lifts buildings and walks under them
Kicks locomotives off the tracks
Catches speeding bullet with teeth and eats them
Freezes water with a single glance
Is God
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The Trumpet Decree of Law
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1. During tuning, the tuner shall be recalibrated so that the trumpet section shall always be in tune
2. Tempo shall be determined be neither the director nor the drum major, but solely by the trumpets
3. Any trumpet player repeatedly playing a tempo which does not in any way resemble that of his fellow trumpets shall be awarded the trumpet medal of valor
4. Whenever the trumpets are playing Pep Band music, they are by definition playing the melody
5. When a trumpet player has lost all sense of rhythm and melody in a song, they shall immediately begin alternating between any 1st and open notes above high C.
6. Should a trumpet player be unable to play notes above G, they shall be stripped of their horn and immediately denoted as an honorary woodwind with no possibility of parole
7. Horse winnies may be performed only by certified personnel
8. a. Arrogance in the trumpet ranks is strictly forbidden b. This rule shall not be applicable to those enrolled in public, private, or home schooling.
9. Possession of a concealed piccolo trumpet without a permit may be considered a misdemeanor
10. Placement of a trumpet upright upon the knee during a concert is forbidden
11. The use of music to play the Hey Song shall be considered an act of high treason
12. All trumpets must play as loud as possible at all times. Failure to do so will result in death by piccolo/oboe duet
13. Sale of magic lip-rejuvenation potion to minors shall be strictly forbidden
14. In the event that a marching drill involves rotating circles, the successful completion of this maneuver shall be considered an act of God, and all trumpet players must immediately sacrifice a goat
15. No law may be passed which in any way restricts, prohibits, or taxes caffeine
16. The 50 yard line is the exclusive meeting place of trumpets, and is therefore considered holy ground
17. Use of a herald trumpet in a threatening manner shall be punishable by demotion to the status of mellophone
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